Alice Cooper- Welcome 2 My Nightmare

I don’t think there was ever really a moment where I thought this album would be any good. Just look at that cover it’s horrible! But I’m a big fan of Alice’s 1975 concept album Welcome to My Nightmare and when I heard he’d be reuniting with the original Alice Cooper Band and producer/composer Bob Ezrin (basically Alice Cooper’s George Martin) l I had to at least give it a little taste. I mean it’s getting close to October right? And what better way to bring in the Halloween season than with a review of the latest from the king of shock rock?

Usually when I review something as “bad and good” I like to call it a mixed bag. So just picture a bag of halloween candy, some of it will contain delicious fun sized candy bars but some of it will also contain candy that has razors wedged inside. Welcome 2 My Nightmare (Bad title by the way) is more like two or three good pieces of candy and then about a dozen razors.

What I didn’t discover until after downloading the album is that the Alice Cooper Band only plays on three songs. Damn it! I’ve been fucking duped! I thought this was going to be a full on reunion! It’s always been my opinion that the Alice Cooper Band is what made Alice Cooper even worth listening to, I mean it was those guys that wrote the music. Don’t get me wrong, Alice is a spectacular showman but he really isn’t much of a musician.

On to the album in question, W.2.M.N. opens with the song “I Am Made of You” a song that Alice has described as an “epic masterpiece” but I have a much more appropriate word for it “bad”. I can’t believe I’m actually listening to Alice Cooper sing a song using Auto-Tune. That kills it, I don’t even care to talk about the rest of the song. From here we move into more familiar territory with some pop rock on the song “Caffeine” a passable track. Afterwards we get one of those tracks that mostly exists to progress the concept (which is someone’s nightmare by the way) called “The Nightmare Returns”, mostly Alice and piano, it’s okay. I’d like to keep going on describing each track seeing that they there all so different, but let’s skip ahead to a song that I actually like. “I’ll Bite Your Face Off” features the Alice Cooper Band and actually sounds like it could of been one of the band’s hit songs from the 70s, it’s easily the best thing on this album.

Probably the worst thing on this album is a song that features Ke$ha. Do you ever wish you could “un-hear” a song? I sure did after this. I should of stayed clear of this album just for that. Another bizarre song is a semi-electronic song called “Disco Bloodbath Boogie Fever” because disco of course is as relevant as ever. I probably should of checked out the featured personnel on this album before listening; Ke$ha, Rob Zombie, John 5, Kip Winger? That’s basically everyone I hate.

What pains me so much is I do hear some good melodies and ideas buried under all of Ezrin’s over extravagant production. Don’t you hate it when older artists use a bunch of effects and shit to cover up the fact that they can’t sing anymore? Look at someone like Neil Young, he doesn’t hide behind anything and he’s just as good as ever. So for any Cooper fan curious about this album I suggest you just keep to the original Welcome to My Nightmare, that album was shockingly awesome.

Favorite Track: “I’ll Bite Your Face Off”

Patton Oswalt – Finest Hour

Stumbling upon this was kind of happy accident for me. There I was just browsing through the comedy section of my itunes library and wondering “I wonder when the next Patton Oswalt album comes out?” So I looked it up on the web and without any prior knowledge discovered it had come out that same day, don’t you love it when stuff like that happens? Of course I was ecstatic as Patton Oswalt is my favorite standup comedian, though the origin of that is quite unusual. I missed my chance to see him at Sasquatch (this was before I was a fan) to go see OK Go and after hearing about it from Sean and Colin I felt the only way I could make up for it was by checking out one of his albums. Since then I’ve bought or downloaded all of Patton’s comedy albums and seen most of his specials and I gotta tell ya, it’s my kind of humor. It’s like it combines the intellectual humor I like from comics like David Cross and then the fat/lazy guy humor I like from comedians like Jim Gaffigan, so it’s the best of both worlds. Though I’m younger and I don’t think I’m quite the caliber of nerd that Patton is I can still find his humor highly relatable and easily accessible, this album is no exception.

Recorded at the Moore Theater in Seattle (wish I could’ve been there) Patton returns to tell more cynical misadventures from his every day life. A strong recurring theme this time seems to be sweatpants, including many jokes where Patton is wearing sweatpants with a t-shirt that’s the same color. This subject leads to an album highlight about a fat guy buying ham, a joke I had heard much about before this album came out. As a matter of fact many of this album’s best jokes are about fat guys, just the way Patton describes them. How Patton will describe a guy as “tragic avalanche fat” and then talk about that same guy eating a hamburger, “It’s like he took three bites and then reassembled it whole it in his mouth. I solved the puzzle!” I can’t get enough of his fat guy voices.

But Patton has always been well known for his edgy topical side as well, discussing politics or whatever is current. My favorite one here is about gay marriage and how Patton decides to make fun of some people’s blind devotion to the bible. “Just because you like something in a book doesn’t mean you can have the thing you like in the book happen in real life! That’s what crazy people want! I can’t go to the white house with a bunch of Green Lantern comics and go I WANT A GREEN LANTERN RING!” He’s always been great at tearing down issues to their most simplistic form and here he kills it.

Though perhaps my favorite moment in the entire show is a very brief bit where Patton talks about how he “Jock Rocks” his life by constantly singing to himself. He does a few examples but my favorite by far is when Patton sings “Jerking off to internet porn in my office when I should teach my daughter to read!” There’s so many great moments and though I’m not sure I enjoyed it as much as his last album My Weakness is Strong and of course nothing will ever beat Werewolves and Lollipops it’s another fine addition to an already stellar comedic career

Drive

 Adapted from Jame’s Sallis’s 2005 crime novel of the same name Drive was originally planned to be a big budget action flick staring Hugh Jackman, thank god that never happened. Several years later Ryan Gosling became attached to the project and sought out Danish filmmaker Nicolas Winding Refn to direct. I’d seen Refn’s last two film’s Bronson and Valhalla Rising and when it was announced he would be taking on the project I knew Drive was a film that had to be seen. For those who aren’t familiar with Refn’s work I can definitely tell you that he’s one to watch. Debuting in the mid 90s with the Pusher crime/thriller trilogy, Refn has already made his mark with some excellent moody films well complimented by inventive cinematography, chilling electronic scores, and subtle yet spectacular performances from his actors. Drive is all those things and maybe more as Refn’s mainstream debut, though there’s nothing mainstream about the contents of this dramatic thriller.

Drive is simple enough on the surface, Ryan Gosling plays a no-named stuntman who moonlights as a getaway driver for heists. He has little to look forward to in his life but driving until he meets and falls for his neighbor Irene (Carey Mulligan) living with her son while her husband Standard (Oscar Isaac) finishes up a prison sentence. Upon Standard’s release he’s introduced to the Driver and rather than feeling threatened he befriends the solemn wheelman. Way over his head in gang related debt, the Driver agrees to help Standard in a heist. Meanwhile the Driver has made dealings organized by his friend and co-worker at a garage Shannon (Bryan Cranston) to race for Bernie Rose (Albert Brooks) a shady film producer surrounded by equally shady individuals such as Jewish gangster Nino (Ron Perlman). The heist eventually goes down but takes a dark turn when Standard is shot dead. Soon after the Driver discovers that Nino was somehow involved with the heist and sends men after the Driver to get the money. It gets a bit messy here there with the story, but with this film it’s more about the ride than the little details.

In any other hands Drive could have been a very ordinary action thriller, but with Refn it’s become a very unusual, extraordinary experience. The 80s synth cues are all pitch perfect as Goslin cruises through the dark neo noir-like setting of late night L.A. The violence and action sequences make your skin crawl and keep you teetering on the edge of your seat. The performances are subtle but impressive with Albert Brooks giving my favorite performance. Known in the past for his cynical yet comical L.A. comedian persona this is an Albert Brooks we’ve never seen before. Gosling plays it simple much in the way Steve McQueen or Clint Eastwood would handle a tough guy role. Gosling spends most of his time giving off intense looks that say more than any words could. Carey Mulligan as one of the premier young actresses today brings a lot to character that may seem underwritten but really has a lot brewing under the surface.

The bottom line is that Drive is a brooding and refreshingly unconventional thriller from a group of very talented people. Gosling has more or less proven himself as one the most interesting leading men working today and director Nicolas Winding Refn has shown that he can still keep his artistic integrity with a widely released film, it’s an exciting time for the movies.

P.S. If you liked this movie you have to check out Refn’s film Bronson (currently on Netflix Instant Watch) it’s really something.

Gears of War 3

There’s always been more to the Gears of War franchise lurking under the surface. Sure, the games themselves seemed like mindless macho brosturbation, there were the artsy trailers. There was the fact that the world seemed to have so much lore, but we only saw a little of it. After all, you play as simple COGs in the massive gears of war. Gears of War 3 finally takes the story where it has always yearned to go, making it one of the most satisfying campaigns of the year. Couple that with one of the most complete multiplayer suites and you’re in for quite a time.

Times are bad in the Gears universe. The war between humans and locust took a turn when the last city, Jacinto, was sunk, flooding the locust. The remnants of humanity managed to take brief salvation on an island, but their hopes for peace were dashed when the lambent, locust mutated by the planet’s mysterious fuel imulsion, attacked. With no military or government left, our heroes are now adrift on a helicopter carrier, just trying to survive. So, to recap: the world’s dying, there’s a three-way war going on, humanity is fucked.

And it’s taking a toll on our heroes. Marcus is haunted by regret and remorse about his past. Dom, who has lost his children and wife to this lengthy war, is in a fragile mental state. Cole is going through a mid-life crisis, realizing his days as a professional athlete really are gone. Baird’s still kind of a dick. Anya’s on the team now too and just about everyone from the first two games is back to some extent, as are a few newcomers. Most importantly, we’ve got Jace, played by Friday Night Light’s Michael B. Jordan and Sam, played by Uncharted 2‘s Claudia Black.

Gears of War 3 has a substantial campaign that’s a real delight to play through. I give a lot of credit sci fi author Karen Traviss, who was able to turn down the bro-isms and find the depth in the characters. My only complaint about the campaign is that it felt a little to padded out with needless sequences. A few too many times I had to go get fuel or go flip a set number of switches, which hurt the games pacing. Notably, there’s a lengthy detour with a character played by Ice T that is awesome, but adds literally nothing to the story but time. But in the end, the game is fun and I can’t really complain about getting to play more of it.

The shooting in Gears of War 3 is simply the best of any third person shooter. Everything feels just right. There’s enough of a variety in the campaign enemies to keep you interested and keep your tactics from getting stale. I found hardcore to be the best difficulty for me, it was challenging but never truly frustrating. I played with AI allies, and I imagine it’s even more fun with three real human coop partners. That’s right, the game is up to four player coop. I told you, this game has all the multiplayer you could want.

Horde mode, Gears of War 2‘s biggest contribution to gaming, returns with new tower defense mechanics. You can build and upgrade barriers to keep your team safe against the waves of AI enemies. There’s another, new coop mode too: beast mode. It’s like reverse horde mode, ala Left 4 Dead. You play as locust beasts, from the lowly tickers all the way up to berserkers, and try to kill a group of AI humans. Beast mode is a neat addition and surprisingly fun to play, give it a shot.

All the versus modes are back, with the addition of a new casual option. This means I can play without just getting mercilessly shotgunned in the back, but I fear I’ll get kicked out of casual eventually. In the meantime, I’m having a lot of fun. There are plenty of characters and weapon skins to be unlocked, although there’s also an absurdly expensive collections of skins you could just buy too. But don’t do that. It’s almost as bad as horse armor.

Hands down, Gears of War 3 is the best game in this already stellar franchise. The story is easier to follow, more emotional and gives closure to most (read: not all) of the plot threads. The multiplayer is just about everything I could ask for. Get some friends together and have some fun. If nothing else, enjoy playing the only game in which Ice T rides off into the sunset giving you the finger.

Crysis 2

It could be easy to forget that the first Crysis was more than just a tool for benchmarking your PC’s power, it was an interesting FPS that combined Far Cry with aliens and super suits. While I enjoyed the original, it was another computer game that I lost interest in and never finished. But I did enjoy it enough to give Crysis 2 a shot when it was made cheaply available to me. And I was happy to find a perfectly competent, pretty game waiting for me. Wait, isn’t that exactly what I said the first game was more than? Oh bother.

Crysis 2 opens with a bang. You’re Alcatraz, a member of a team of soldiers on a submarine heading to New York City. Because there’s a war going on between the military, a PMC and aliens. The game doesn’t do that great a job setting the stage, or really explaining much at all. But your sub sinks and you’re miraculously saved by Prophet, the squad leader from the original game. He gives Alcatraz the super suit and tasks you with reuniting with his scientist buddy. Things escalate from there.

The entire game takes place in New York City and I really enjoyed the urban setting. It was a great change of pace from the tropical setting of the first game, although the environment doesn’t substantially change like it did last time. The skyscrapers look great and make quite a spectacle when they come tumbling down. The city streets do make the game much more linear, basically taking you from combat arena to combat arena. You do have options for each battle, which the game makes a point of explicitly telling you, which is a bit weird. You pop up your binoculars and are told “here is a good place to snipe” and “here is a good place to sneak around.” It’s a bit weird, but I guess you don’t have to use the binocs if it really bothers you.

There’s a lot of politics and side switching going on in Crysis 2, and after a while I just started ignoring it. The game never really made me care about what side I was fighting for and I didn’t really worry about who lived and who died. What I did like about the story was the absolutely brutal beating Alcatraz takes. In most games, the main characters get beaten and shot without showing any wear and tear in the cinematics. In this game, it often takes Alcatraz a while to just get back up after a heavy hit. People look at you like you shouldn’t be alive. It’s made explicitly clear that without the suit, you would be dead a hundred times over. That’s great.

The suit is a bit streamlined compared to Crysis 1 as well. Instead of having a speed or power mode, you automatically use suit power to sprint and jump farther. That just leaves you with stealth and armor, the most useful powers from the first game. Armor lets you take more damage, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Stealth lets you go all Predator and sneak around, so long as you don’t run out of power. Both can be upgraded using organic tissue gathered from dead aliens. I found stealth became a little too powerful with upgrades, and I was able to bypass battles if I wanted. But the suit powers elevate the games otherwise standard gameplay. The gun selection is not that interesting, although the ability to customize weapon scopes and add-ons returns. And there are a few alien weapons, although they’re not that exciting. The shooting is exactly as tight as you would expect it to be.

Crysis 2 also includes a more robust multiplayer mode, as it is a first person shooter and therefore must vie for Call of Duty‘s thrown. While the suits do make things a little different, I just didn’t care about playing this game online. But I guess if you think you’re really good at the game it could be a fun way to destroy your ego.

Ultimately, Crysis 2 kept me entertained through its campaign. It plays absolutely fine. It looks great, although perhaps not groundbreaking. I played it on PC, but the console version is probably fine. This is totally acceptable entertainment, and suitable for a long weekend. More importantly, if all the games coming out these next few months have captured your attention, it’s totally fine to put this one on the back burner for a while.