John Otteni

I made a mockumentary about hunting vampires

Freaky Friday: X-Ray

X-Ray (1981)

“Love hurts, love scars. Love wounds and marks any heart,” as Nazareth once sang, or the Everly Brothers, if you’re old school. Yes, love can take its toll on anyone, and in the case of X-Ray aka Hospital Massacre aka Or Else aka Ward 13 aka Be My Valentine, it’s a body toll.

I’m surprised there aren’t more horror Valentine’s Day movies. Hell, I’m surprised there aren’t more Valentine’s Day movies in general. A day where people are pressured to express one of the most powerful emotions by any means necessary feels like the perfect impetus for any kind of movie, whether it’s a rom-com or a slasher.

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John’s Top Ten Horny Movies

Last July, when I drafted a whole slate of “horny” movies for our annual Criterion Movie Draft, I came up with the idea to later post my own personal “Top 10 Horny Movies” list for the blog. “Like Porky’s–peering-through-a-glory-hole horny?” No. I mean erotic movies, it’s just funnier to say horny.

My prerequisites for this list are:

1. Does horniness drive the plot?

2. Are there sexy scenes and/or nudity?

3. Are the leads hot?

Of course, prerequisite 3 is subjective. It’s like that debate on The Office where everyone argues about whether Hilary Swank is hot or not. Who’s to say?

I haven’t seen every notable horny film ever made, but I know what I like, and, to be honest, it’s been a while since I’ve seen anything that’s come close to cracking this top ten. So let’s pour a glass of champagne, pop open a fresh tube of K-Y Jelly, and dive in.

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Obsessong: Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind this Time)

A few weeks ago, I was putting together a Valentine’s playlist on Spotify for my partner. The theme was sexy songs of the ’70s, you know, Barry White, Al Green, Marvin Gaye, the usual suspects. But what was my first thought as I started adding songs? “Well, I gotta lead it off with the Delfonics.”

Led by singer and songwriter William “Poogie” Hart, alongside his brother Wilbert and Randy Cain, the Delfonics worked closely with Philly soul architect Thom Bell to craft the most elegant and emotionally devastating soul music of the era. Their run of hits; “La-La (Means I Love You),” “Ready or Not Here I Come (Can’t Hide from Love),” and, “Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind This Time)” are all bonafide classics. But when it came to my playlist, only one song came out on top.

Song: “Didn’t I (Blow Your Mind this Time?)
Album: The Delfonics
Year: 1970
Written by: Thom Bell and William Hart

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C.A.T: Can’t Get Enough

Barry White – Can’t Get Enough (1974)

Welcome to a special “Wuv Week” edition of “Classic Album Tuesdays” where it’s time to “take off that brassiere dear”, for Mr. Barry White.

Now there are a lot of sexy albums I could have picked: Marvin Gaye’s Let’s Get It On, Voodoo by D’Angelo, and how many children have been conceived by the mere sight of Herbie Mann’s Push Push album cover?

But when I think of sexy music, there is one figure who towers, about 6 ‘4”, to be exact, over the rest: Barry White. Known as “The Maestro” for his work as a producer and conductor, or by his less flattering moniker “The Walrus of Love,” Barry White was one of the preeminent soul singer-songwriters of his era. A two-time Grammy winner, he scored 20 gold and 10 platinum singles, led the 40-piece Love Unlimited Orchestra, and sold over 100 million records worldwide before his untimely death at 58 in 2003.

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Welcome to Wuv Week

Love is in the air! Along with the flu, COVID, and measles (how is this back?). So what better distraction is there than a week devoted to my favorite Valentine’s Day–themed media?

“What does ‘Wuv Week’ entail?” Well, my measles-ravaged friend, it means a romantic edition of “Classic Album Tuesday” tomorrow. On Wednesday, I’m bringing back “Obsessongs” to cover one of my all-time favorite love songs. Thursday brings my personal “Top 10 Horny Movies” list for those who like to spice up their movie nights, and finally, on Friday, I’ll be doing a “Freaky Friday” segment on a Valentine’s-themed horror movie.

So join me as I whisper sweet nothings into your ear, along with mildly interesting pop-culture fun facts, for “Wuv Week”!

Go Hawks

XOXO 💋

John’s Top Ten Movies of 2025

The children are our future. At least, that’s what the 2025 box office would lead me to believe. Because when I think of 2025, the first thing that comes to mind is kids’ movies. I don’t know if there were more movies for the chillins this year, or if they just performed better than last year’s crop (the 2025 box office was a slight uptick overall), but I swear kids’ movies, and horror, are the only sure things these days.

Zootopia 2, A Minecraft Movie, Lilo & Stitch, How to Train Your Dragon, KPop Demon Hunters, whatever the hell Ne Zha 2 is supposed to be, these are the films filling seats in today’s theaters. Oh, and Avatar, but that one’s for the child in all of us.

Now, there were two box-office breakthroughs this year (spoiler alert: they’re my number one and number three) that were original films and actually performed well. Yet I get the sense studios weren’t thrilled about that. Why else would they make such a concerted effort to downplay those successes? Studios want to pull the strings, so it makes sense they’d bristle at directors who claim full ownership of their art. The struggle is real.

I guess what I’m saying is the corporate fuckification of the movie industry feels more noticeable than ever, and it’s hard not to wonder what that means for theatergoing, if theatergoing will even exist in the coming years.

With that existential dread out of the way, let’s get into it!

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John’s Top Ten TV Shows of 2025

After last year, when I cobbled together a paltry five shows, I’m back in 2025 with a vengeance. Do I believe there is an underlying reason it went down this way? No. TV is weird now. Shows happen when they happen. There is little to no urgency to watch them unless it’s a buzzy show like Stranger Things. Even then, I haven’t watched the new season of Stranger Things. Why? I can always watch it later.

TV is what I put on when I eat dinner, or in the case of Heated Rivalry a cocktail. 😉 It’s background noise. But I’ll tell ya, there was good background noise this year. A few shows I would even consider for the foreground. Key word: consider. Let’s not go nuts.

Fuck it. Let’s do this.

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